


Please, notice

by inarizakillme, moonstarkeiji



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Flower Language, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Please read the warning, sorry in advance for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27300790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inarizakillme/pseuds/inarizakillme, https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonstarkeiji/pseuds/moonstarkeiji
Summary: Osamu doesn’t think he could ever say goodbye to his brother, not even when Atsumu had said it to him first
Relationships: Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu
Comments: 8
Kudos: 66
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	Please, notice

**Author's Note:**

> Day 7: death // goodbyes

Nobody would’ve thought of Atsumu in that way, happily smiling through the framed glass, surrounded with splendidly bright and full-blown array of flowers. He looks so out of place, it felt wrong. Nobody saw the signs, not one of them realised the pain the blonde has held on for so long, not his lover, nor his friends, not even Osamu.

This wasn’t supposed to be the way he said goodbye.

At the age of 15, Suna was introduced to Miya Atsumu through volleyball. And he disliked him at first sight.

He was provocative, overcritical and greedy, not to mention blunt as all hell without a single thought of other people’s feelings. It was astonishing to see how different he was compared to his twin brother, who’s the exact opposite of whatever Atsumu was. He didn’t interact with him a lot, but enough for him to get annoyed during practice.

It wasn’t just Suna, to be honest, everyone who knew Atsumu avoided him. He wasn't sure if Atsumu noticed, but of course he would right, especially during lunch break and he eats alone at a table. He felt bad, sure, but the bastard Atsumu deserved it for not being likeable to others. Suna couldn’t handle it if he were in Atsumu’s shoes, being disliked by many as he tries his best to blend in with his friends. He looks at him once more before leaving the cafeteria.

“Samu, does Atsumu have any friends?” Suna asked, as they packed their bags ready to leave their classroom. Samu cocked his eyebrow to him, confused at the sudden question.

“Nope.”

“Isn’t that weird?”

“It’s been like that since kindergarten.”

“And he’s okay with it?” Osamu shrugged. Suna let it slide, thinking maybe if Osamu’s letting it be, then it’s no problem.

That is until practice, where all hell breaks loose. The team was having their usual practice, but the coach wasn’t in, so the third years took over the drills. They played 3 sets, forming two teams and switching members for each set. Kosaku was paired with Atsumu, and it seemed to Suna that he wasn’t in his top form today, and it irked Atsumu to the core. Most of his spikes were blocked, some weren’t even going past the net or uncoordinated. 

“Kosaku, yer spikes are trash.”

Everyone stopped playing, stunned by Atsumu’s comments at Kosaku. His face morphed into a scowl, hands on his hips.

“Well, I’m sorry, I’ll be better, Mr. Perfect.” Kosaku answered mockingly.

“Yeah, I’ve been giving perfect tosses to ya and I expect ya to perform better than this. Go sit out if ya can’t.”

“Excuse me? We’ve been practicing for hours, it’s normal for people to be tired, Atsumu.”

“Ya don’t see me whine about it like a baby.”

“Ya wanna fucking fight with me, dude?”

Suna watched the two almost get physical, saved by Aran holding them on their heads between them. The captain stepped in, trying his best to resolve the fight. Suna didn’t pay attention, but he could feel his annoyance breaking his limit point as he hears Atsumu’s excuses.

“I expect my spikers to be perfect, only scrubs can’t hit my tosses”

“That’s fucking bullshit.”

Everyone turned to Suna who realised it’s his first time voicing his thoughts loudly. Irritation pricked at him and somehow the words were spitted out spontaneously. Even Osamu’s eyes widen next to him.

“Ya don’t believe me, Sunarin?” Atsumu smirks, cocking his head towards Suna.

“I can’t believe we still put up with your arrogant, self-centered crap. Kosaku’s tired, Atsumu, a lot of us are. Not everyone’s running on horse-like stamina like you.”

Atsumu chuckles. “I’ll take that as a compliment. Fine, I’m sorry Kosaku. Wasn’t trying to pick a fight, but if you’re tired then you can switch with oth-”

“It’s fine, let’s just continue this practice.”

The practice passes by without any more trouble, and they pack their bags ready to head home. A pair of shoes comes into view and he sees Atsumu staring down at him.

“What?”

“Didn’t know ya had it in ya, Sunarin. Kinda surprised actually. What’s that all about?” Atsumu proceeds to crouch, eye leveling himself with Suna. Beside him, Osamu looked at the two of them with a blank face as usual. Might as well say it.

“You know a lot of people don’t like you right?” Atsumu nods.

“Then why are you still being a dick?”

It must’ve been a shock to the twins, Suna was never one to probe into other’s business, let alone be blunt to someone straight in their face. And to do it 3 times in one evening on top of that. Atsumu being Atsumu, chuckles, didn’t take it to heart, or he was good at concealing it.

“I wasn’t. I said the truth, wasn’t meant to provoke him or anything, I swear.” He raises both his arms in defense. “I just needed him to be better, and sometimes a push like this works. He’s such a good player, it’d be a waste if he’s not at his best.”

Those words stuck in Suna’s head for days, and after several months of being together every evening, and through befriending him through Osamu as his classmate, he understands how and why Atsumu was like this.

Eyes set on the future, he had his sight set further than anyone else Suna knew of. The thirst and hunger to be perfect, the ridiculously high standards he sets for himself as he practices longer than anyone else to get the perfect set, even if it’s a miniscule of a change. He wasn’t bad, people just can’t seem to understand him, but Suna wants to.

“You’re pretty strong-hearted, Atsumu,” Suna sighs, holding Atsumu’s shoulder, “I would’ve shriveled into nothingness if everyone hates me ya know.”

“Welp, I’m used to it. Besides, I’ve got ya and Samu here. I’m all good.”

Suna smiles, yeah, at least he’s here as his friend.

As captain, it is their duty to supervise and lead the pack, constantly updating themselves about each member’s health; physically and emotionally. No favouritism, no biasness. But Kita couldn’t help but take a closer look at Atsumu, his wristwatch ticking 11:29 PM, the night lit bright from the moon and the thunderous sound of slamming balls from palm to court in the gymnasium.

In normal situations, Kita wouldn’t hesitate to tell them to pack up and leave immediately. He wasn’t one that enjoyed things being out of schedule, and it was his responsibility after all. But he couldn’t help but pity the man standing before him, doing servings after servings after servings. It’s 11:30, he sighs, 40 minutes non-stop, he should be exhausted by now. 

“Atsumu, it’s time to go back,” He could see the heavy breathing from behind, sweat dripping off his body and t-shirt soaked to the max. Atsumu turns, wiping off his hair that’s sticking to his forehead. “It’s late. I need to close the gym.”

“Wait, Kita-san. I am so close at perfecting this serve.”

Kita noticed the way Atsumu was terribly quiet after their match with Karasuno, defeated by a mere error. He knows how Atsumu feels he was at fault, how the final point was on him. The bus ride home was eerily quiet too.

“Yes, but you can do it again at our next practice.”

“We have a week off, I have no time.”

“You have all the time in the world, right now you need to rest.”

“I can’t rest, I can’t stop, please”

“No, Atsu-”

“Just 10 more minutes, pleas-”

“It wasn’t your fault, Atsumu.”

The ball in Atsumu’s hands dropped, he stared at Kita and tears started brimming in his eyes, before loud sobs spilled out from his mouth. The blonde crouched down, hands on his mouth as he cried loudly, trying his best to muffle the sound. Kita walked nearer, placing his hands on his shoulder that shook violently with each breath he took. Atsumu rarely breaks down, he was known to be egoistic, never backing or showing weakness, but this was a side to him that Kita hardly sees. The way Atsumu was trembling, hiccuping and tears on the floor, it stings him.

“I… I just… It was- _hic_ … my fa-fault… Kita-sa- _hic_ san…” Kita shushes him, hands still rubbing his shoulders.

“No it’s not”

“It is! I failed the last point!” Atsumu’s golden honey eyes were red, his bawlings got more violent, staring straight at Kita. “Punish me! Pleas- _hic_ please… I let th-the team down… I le- _hic_ you down... please…”

Devastating wasn’t even close to how it felt to watch Atsumu like this, it was heart-wrenching, heartbreaking, maybe even tragic. The pressure for the talented setter, the future captain, Atsumu felt as if it was his responsibility to get the third years to win their last match, especially for Kita when it was his first and last game. He was sad, sure, but that’s life and he’ll get over it. But to Atsumu, it might be something he carried with pride, something he wants so badly, and unfortunately taken away from him.

“Atsumu, nobody is blaming you, I’m not even sad about it, don’t blame yourself.” Atsumu’s crying started to slow down after a few minutes of Kita consoling, hiccups are gone minutes after, and Atsumu dries down his tears using his forearms. Kita looks at his reddened puffy eyes and gives a small smile.

“Alright, let’s pack up and-”

“Kita-san, I promise I’ll be the person that you would be proud of in the future.” Atsumu cuts him off, standing with fists by his side. Kita nods, mouth curving into a smile.

“I’ll look forward to it.”

The blonde haired, smirky grinned, good looking guy is the most annoying, bratty piece of shit of a person Sakusa has ever met, but somehow he’s his best friend, and like a moth drawn to a flame, he can’t get away from Atsumu.

He never told anyone in the team, or his cousin Komori, or his family for that matter, but the reason he chose Black Jackals as his team -even though he wanted to be with his crush in Adlers so bad- was because of Atsumu. He looks up to him, he’s the best setter he’s ever seen ever since high school, and he was anxiously excited to play with him. And when the opportunity came, he took it without hesitation.

Well, that is before he was ready to be constantly annoyed by him, their arguments persisted every single day through the whole 3 months of knowing each other. Atsumu was a handful, and talks a lot, he on the other hand prefers if people don’t talk to him, and that made a lightbulb lit on top of Atsumu’s head. To him, fighting is talking, and he never stopped annoying him. It went on everytime they’re off court, bickering about something small, or big, it doesn’t matter, but the team never had a day of peace ever since Sakusa joined in.

But most nights, when they’re not at each other’s throats, they watch movies together, talk about volleyball, or sit around talking about life in general. It feels natural, he gets along with Atsumu so easily, if he passes through his annoying persona, and the blonde apparently has a really interesting insight on the world and life. It was fascinating, and he wished he could see more of this side of Atsumu. But he wasn’t prepared to find another side of Atsumu.

That night, it was a rest day and Sakusa noticed Atsumu was a bit different, he wasn’t his usual animated, chirpy self that made Sakusa want to punch him in the gut. Usually it didn’t bother him, but tonight it felt different, too different.

“You okay, Miya?” His question caught Atsumu off guard when he saw him flinched, just a little bit. Atsumu just smiled sheepishly and dismissed it.

After a while, he caught a glimpse of Atsumu’s phone screen, and instantly knew what this was about.

Atsumu has a bad habit of looking up his name on the internet, anything at all; from news, articles, videos, pictures, you name it, and all in the name of ‘self-improvement from constructive criticism’. But Sakusa knows, the internet is the worst place to find comments like that. He’s seen it all, how people really do not have the slightest courtesy or manners with strangers on the internet, and he has personally dealt with it. And this time, it was about him during their last match with Schweiden Adlers that took a toll on him.

Their intense 5 set match ended with a victory for the Adlers, all from a minor mistake in Atsumu’s setting calculation, is what Atsumu said repeatedly after the match and head bowing saying sorry like a mantra. The match point got everyone on their nerves, and with the long rally it was accompanied by exhaustion, and Atsumu’s set towards Hinata was a little bit off. The other team managed to block the spike, and the final whistle blew signalling the win for Adlers. It wasn’t anybody’s fault, it is a team game anyway but Atsumu insisted it was his fault. Sakusa thought he was over it, but seems like it’s still in his mind.

“You know it’s not your fault,” Sakusa simply says, “the blockers had eyes on Hinata from the beginning.”

“It’s not what they said.”

“They wouldn’t know it”

“ _They_ are the sports reporters, Omi-kun. They’d know better than anyone.” Atsumu opens the video on his phone, and passes it to Sakusa. He watched the video, true to what Atsumu said, they know their stuff. The articulate review on the gameplay, their commentating on each player’s skills and most important of all, Atsumu’s mistake. It wasn’t just focusing on Atsumu, they were comparing him to the Adler’s setter, Kageyama Tobio. That might’ve been a punch to the face for Atsumu. When Sakusa passes back the phone, he could see how bad this is for him, and tries to cheer him up.

“Chill Miya, it’s only the first game of the season. We can totally kick their asses later. We did it before.”

“Yeah, but how many were us winning to us losing against them?”

Sakusa sighs, he has truth in his words. Schweiden Adlers have been the Jackal’s rivals since forever, and the fight was never easy and they have always had the upper hand. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever been enough. No matter how much I try, there’s always gonna be news saying I’m not good enough, or someone better, younger, more skillful coming, or like Tobio-kun who’s younger but better than I am.” Atsumu says, head low looking at the phone in his hands.

The curly raven haired man was stunned silent, loss for words, this is new. All the years of him hearing about Miya Atsumu since high school, of him watching interviews, gameplays, the years of them training and playing together in Black Jackals, he has never seen this side of him. His normal confident, arrogant demeanor was nowhere to be seen, this is different. He wasn’t even sure what to do, he was so used to the standard asshole, not this Atsumu who looked broken.

“That’s valid Miya. I think we all have felt like that, at least once in our lives. So I’m telling you, it’s okay to feel that way. I kinda suck at consoling people but if you wanna cry, uhh, feel free to do so. I have tissues, lots of them.”

Atsumu looks at Sakusa, finding himself laughing at Sakusa’s poor attempt to cheer him up. “Omi-kun, you being nice and gentle doesn’t look right with your face.” He received a hand chop to the head, and laughs even more.

“But thanks, Omi-omi. I appreciate it.” They leave it at that, continuing the movie playing on his laptop, but Sakusa tries to keep an eye on Atsumu a bit more after that.

The moment Hinata laid his eyes on Atsumu, he felt a spark between them. The sharp golden eyes meeting his, young and immature, pointing a finger to his direction for a promise that was so childish yet so sincere, to finally cross paths again after 7 years, finally with words confessing devotion to one another. He has never felt more in love than when he was with Atsumu. His lover gives and gives, and he’s filled and overflowed with it. He’s in deep, and Atsumu is too. His life is nothing but sunshine and bright lights, cool sea breeze and vivid rainbows. The blonde male puts Hinata on a pedestal; caring and treating him like his king. And he does the same for Atsumu. He loved every second he was with Atsumu.

When they decided to move in together, and it was only the two of them in a four walled room, was when he noticed Atsumu’s dark side that wasn’t seen in daylight.

He noticed Atsumu’s small cries in his sleep, the way Atsumu would watch hours upon hours of volleyball games, be on social media to read comments about him, listening to commentators reviewing his analytics. At first Hinata wasn’t sure if it was just like that, or maybe it’s how his passion for volleyball is, but it’s gotten to a point where it seemed unhealthy. He knows better than anyone how the thirst to chase a dream could make you do wild things; like him going to Brazil, or Oikawa migrating to Argentina, for example. But, the way Atsumu is losing appetite, and slowly changing to a darker appearance when left alone, worries him.

“Tsumu, you shouldn’t be watching analytics all the time.” Hinata says, wrapping his arm around Atsumu’s neck from behind, staring at the computer screen that Atsumu has been in front of for the last 3 hours. Atsumu turns his head, giving his usual fox-like grin.

“I just wanna see how mine is compared to Iizuna-san’s.”

“I know babe, but we just finished a game. You have to rest.” Hinata pushes himself to Atsumu, turning and giving a light kiss on his cheek. “You do know you’re one of Japan’s top setters, right?”

Atsumu laughs, ruffling the soft orange hair. “Yes, but I’m not _the_ best now, am I?” 

“You should listen to them talk about how they wanna be you, Tsumu.” Atsumu holds Hinata’s hands on his chest, lovingly caressing it, and sighs.

“More reason for me to live up to that expectation, don’t cha think?”

“Ah but you’re my best setter!” Hinata jokingly tightens his hug, choking Atsumu and laughing along with his lover. He plants another kiss on his cheek, and watches the screen with him. The screen showed every detailed aspect of the setters, and it was very interesting to watch, he almost didn’t hear Atsumu’s tiny murmuring of him having to be better.

When Hinata successfully managed to get Atsumu to sleep with him that night, he on the other hand, wasn't. He pulls out his phone, the screen bright from him researching ways to help his boyfriend. Hinata’s seeing major changes in Atsumu’s personality, especially after they lost to Argentina in the world league. It wasn’t sudden, but living with Atsumu made him see it more clearly than others. He knows Sakusa told him about Atsumu’s insecurities before, but that was a long time ago. He called Osamu as well, but met with the same ‘Atsumu has always been one to pursue perfection, it’s normal for him to be doing this’.

Hinata tried to see if there’s anything he could do to help, asking Atsumu what he can do for Atsumu to feel better, and everytime he does, Atsumu only smiles and laughs instead, saying there’s nothing to be worried about. Whenever Hinata tries to make food, Atsumu beats him to it. When he wants to do something nice, Atsumu will help him even if he doesn’t let him. He couldn’t do anything, Atsumu wouldn’t let Hinata treat him as good as he treats Hinata. Their lives move on like nothing happened, and Atsumu seems unbothered, but why does Hinata’s heart say something else?

One morning, Hinata musters up the courage to ask Atsumu about it, but the taller man only looks at him confusingly.

“What do you mean? I’m making eggs and sausages for ya right now! Does this look like what a sad person would do?” Atsumu smiles, eyes keeping watch on the eggs and flipping them expertly.

“I mean, are you happy, Tsumu? With your life?” Hinata watches Atsumu not leaving his smile, that smile he loves so dearly, plating the food onto the plate in front of him. The scent rushes in, and his stomach growls.

“Of course I’m happy! I’m the happiest man in the world, especially wit ya next to me, Sho.” Atsumu moves to kiss Hinata’s frown, whistling a tune while continuing to cook. Hinata thinks, maybe, maybe Atsumu is fine and Hinata’s just overthinking.

“Okay, but Tsumu, promise me if anything’s bothering you, you tell me straight away.” Hinata didn’t catch the way Atsumu paused for a fraction of a second, only receiving another grin.

“Of course, love.”

Being an identical twin gave Osamu and Atsumu magical powers, as what they’d call it. They could understand each other’s feelings and emotions, they cry when the other is crying, they know what each other wants, and what each other needs. And growing up together just strengthened that power even more.

Osamu thinks about childhood, how Atsumu is the kind of brother that would kick his ass but then breaks half of his ice cream to share with Osamu, even when they both know Atsumu could gobble the whole thing up himself. He also notices Atsumu’s insecurities. Even when Atsumu wins all the awards, he still thinks he can win more. Osamu has tried to reason with him one too many times, but Atsumu will always be stubborn, unsatisfied, hungry, until he’s at the very top. But where is the top, Osamu once asked, what will he do once he gets there. But Atsumu only shrugged, we won’t know until we get there, he says.

Osamu has been so accustomed to his brother’s arrogance and confidence, but tonight as Atsumu downs his 7th onigiri, the air around him seemed different.

“Samu, d’ya think I’m not enough?” Atsumu asks, eyes down on his new plate of onigiris.

“I think yer way too much if anything.”

“Is that bad? I just can’t seem to be just right.” Osamu lifts an eyebrow, staring down at his brother.

“The hell ya on ‘bout, Tsumu, yer damn good already. In every possible aspect there is, ya idiot. Maybe open yer eyes and look in the mirror.” 

“I don’t really like what I see in the mirror.”

Osamu once got a call about this from Hinata, how Atsumu was being weird lately. He wasn’t sure what Hinata meant by weird, but now looking at it right in front of him, he realises how bad it is from Atsumu right now. He hears about it, but he wasn’t entirely sure if it was just Atsumu’s random sad episodes, like how he was so sad he couldn’t get his new servings right, or something else. But right now, he suggests Atsumu get professional help.

Ever since then, he calls Atsumu a lot, and tries to keep in contact when they don’t get to see each other. He understands why he didn’t tell this to Hinata, he didn’t like to look weak, not in front of someone he loves. Osamu is different, like he mentioned earlier, _twins and their magical powers_.

They meet up from time to time, but Osamu never brings up his problems until Atsumu speaks about it first. Boundaries? Perhaps, but more so he wasn’t entirely sure what it was. But it seemed fine, Atsumu talked about his sessions with the doctor, and said it was boring and that there was nothing to be worried about. And they didn’t talk about it, at all. Maybe he’s treated, or maybe it was just Osamu. But on one chilly Autumn night, as they were at Onigiri Miya like they usually would, Atsumu brought it up again.

“Would ya think everyone would be better off without me?”

Osamu stops forming the onigiri in his hands, and fear suddenly trickles down his spine. He tries to compose himself, shaking the panic out off his mind. “What d’ya mean?”

“Ya know, the team.”

Osamu exhales, calming himself down from thinking weird things. He puts down the onigiri, thinking whether he should smack his brother’s face with hands filled with rice. But he hesitates, tonight Atsumu does seem different, but nothing alarming.

“If this is about yer coach scolding ya about yesterday’s game, then no. It’s normal for teams to lose, and coaches lashes out on ya. Come on, you remember back in high school, don’t cha?” Atsumu and Osamu laugh, reminiscing how the twins always got in trouble for doing weird things in games without telling the team, and pissed off their coaches.

Atsumu laughs lightly. “Yeah, yer right. I don’t see why I should be sad, other teams have it worse than I do.”

Atsumu pulls out his gloves, and ruffles his brother’s dry blonde hair. “Cheer up, here I put extra salmon in this one for ya.” Atsumu’s eyes sparkled, and eats happily.

Osamu finds it weird. One day, he has half of himself and the next, it’s gone. It’s like losing a limb, only worse because the loss he feels makes him unable to function completely.

Atsumu is all teeth and smiles in the middle of a thousand flowers, the brightest thing that looks so wrong in such a sorrowful atmosphere. Sobs echoed through the room, the air thick and heavy.

Hinata’s eyes were puffy, he looked like he hadn't slept in days, judging from the colour of his eyes, he seemed to have been crying too. His eyes are dull, the light from it gone, just like how the love of his life did, eyes bleeding with pain. He was seated at the front, but he seemed motionless for minutes. Osamu couldn’t imagine it, not when Hinata was the last to see him. 

The call he received from Hinata interrupted his date night with Suna, but the screaming of the man on the other line sent shivers to his whole body and took all the breath out of his lungs, and he instantly knew what happened. He and Suna drove like madmen to Hinata’s house, keeping the call on speaker as Suna tries to calm Hinata down and tell them what happened. The only thing they could get in that 30 minute drive was the cryings of a shattered man, the voice broken, and incoherent words of “Atsumu please wake up”.

Osamu shakes his head, trying to not recall that moment in his head. He looks to the side, and sees the others who had attended the event. Sakusa Kiyoomi, is silent, a steady stream of tears flowing from his eyes, soaking his black mask. His onyx, cold eyes stare at Atsumu’s picture, hands fisting on his side. Stoic, but he sees the shaking albeit almost faint. Osamu didn’t miss the anger in his eyes when he told the news to him, he knew he was Atsumu’s closest friend, and he would’ve guessed that Sakusa had seen the signs before. The anger wasn’t towards his brother, but more towards himself. He stands with the rest of the team, hunched with their head bowed down. The boys he grew up with from Inarizaki and the men he had the honour of playing with, the MSBY Black Jackals and the Japan National team had come as well, donning black suits and the same expression. Atsumu’s comrades were giving him one last farewell.

Kita is standing with them, he didn’t hide the hot torrents of grief coursing down his face, suppressing the sound of hiccups. Their beloved captain, though he never said it out loud, had a soft spot for Atsumu. Atsumu who would do anything he set his mind to, but never knew the extent of it. Kita cries louder, tears falling to the ground as he shuts his mouth with his hand. Aran next to him hugs him tight, eyes pooling with tears as well.

Suna’s at Osamu's shoulders, sobbing furiously, his whole body shaking. He puts his arm around him, softly caressing his side. As much as Osamu wants to scream his lungs out, he needs to be strong at the funeral. He didn't cry, no tears were coming out of his eyes, and he wasn't saying anything either. His parents at the side haven't stopped crying too, the news broke them to the ground and his mother passed out, so he needed to be okay. He needed to be strong for them, someone has to.

One by one people come and give their final respect to Atsumu. _Ah, if only you could see just how much people admire you, adore you, idolise you, Tsumu,_ Osamu thinks. Osamu is still seated, watching the people taking turns putting flowers, and items that Atsumu loved; volleyball, books, jerseys, etc. Osamu closes his eyes, _just how much could you not see this Tsumu, you have always been enough, more than enough. You meant so much to everyone in this room._

He watches as the guests, one by one, leave their choice of flowers by his brother's casket. Kita and Aran each place a white lily. The flower symbolising their hope that Atsumu has returned to a peaceful state of innocence. Sakusa places a bundle of hyacinths. His deep anguish reflected in the flower petals. He hopes Atsumu knows that he’ll always be in his prayers. When Hinata stops to place his flowers, a fresh batch of tears stream down his face. Clutching the orchids in Atsumu's favourite colour, he stops himself from screaming. He takes a deep breath and whispers “I will always love you, Atsumu.” Bokuto and Akaashi grab him on his sides and slowly pull him away, inconsolable. Finally, Suna and Osamu walk hand in hand to say their final respects. Suna places his hydrangea gently atop the other flowers, hoping his heartfelt emotion reaches to the other side. When it’s Osamu’s turn, he clutches the colourful bouquet of roses in his hand. Maybe it’s stupid to hope the flowers will whisper the words he wasn’t able to say to Atsumu, but he hopes anyway. White roses, _for your youthful innocence brother_. Yellow, _you were and will forever be my best friend_. Dark pink, _thank you Atsumu_. Red, _I love you forever_. 

Osamu is the last one to leave, standing in front of that god forsaken picture of his twin. It’s taunting him, smiling innocently, as if there was nothing wrong with the situation they were in right now. He hates it, he hates how he didn’t pick up that phone when Atsumu called that evening. Hates how he didn’t help more than he should. Hates how he bloody saw the signs and didn’t do enough. He was supposed to be his literal blood and bones, a mirror, for fuck’s sake. He’s supposed to know him the most out of everyone in this room, so much for being a twin brother.

He hears his heart shatter, and feels his throat hurting, and he lets out a cry so loud it fills the room. It wasn’t seconds later that he realised it was his, from tears to literal heartbreaking sobs. Suna goes up to him, hugging him tight but crying just as loud. Osamu couldn't take it anymore, he’s holding his fists on his sides, then angrily punches the table. There were no goodbyes, Atsumu is not out for a quick run or away from home, he’s not going to be on the other side of the phone or his kitchen countertop at Onigiri Miya, he’s not at home where Hinata lives, not where Sakusa stays at the dorms nor the gymnasium where Kita waits for him. Where he’s gone to Osamu can’t trail along anymore. 

Osamu remembers the stupid promise he made with Atsumu to one up each other on their death beds. Did Atsumu forget? Did his stupid brother think this was the only way out from the prison he created in his mind? Did that blonde haired jerk not remember how they would be next to each other til their last breaths? How he would always be there for him? He wants to punch his brother, he wants to beat the shit out of that smile on the tabletop, he wants to cry out his name but weeping is all he could manage. Most of all he wants one last chance with him. 

Osamu doesn’t think he could ever say goodbye to his brother, not even when Atsumu had said it to him first.

**Author's Note:**

> we cried writing this ha ha -hani
> 
> 🤪🤟🏼 - bun
> 
> come cry over angst with us on twitter! [ hani](https://twitter.com/moonstarkeiji) and [bun](https://twitter.com/inarizakillme)
> 
> and that a wrap on Haikyuu Angst Week 2020! if you've read any or all of our stories, thank you very much! <3  
> kudos and comments always appreciated hehe.


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